Abuse in a Relationship

Abuse in a relationship is not healthy and can be so detrimental to the parties involved that it can completely demolition a family or make a victim afraid to interact with others later in their life. Unfortunately abuse is not limited to adults either. It is also being found in school aged children as young as middle school. Abuse is a serious problem and people need to be aware of it, especially if it is in the relationship. It can be verbal or physical and both men and women can be abusers and victims. Seventy percent of the time, the man is the one initiating the abuse. Studies and conversations with women who have been the abuser have found that in most cases it has been in self-defence. No matter who initiates the abuse, both sexes are vulnerable to starting and receiving violent attacks. Once abuse in a relationship starts, it usually happens again, and the abuser will continue abusing all throughout their lives.

Abuse falls under two categories: emotional abuse and physical abuse. Emotional abuse is the most damaging type of abuse and also the hardest to identify. The victims will feel intimidated, hopeless, guilty, frustrated, helpless, trapped, and always wrong. If they can see the warning signs, they can recognize and identify what is going on. Unfortunately, many of these signs do not become apparent until the victim has been abused for quite awhile. The person in the relationship becomes a victim when their partner engages in a pattern of behaviour that is controlling, criticizing, intimidating, blaming the victim for all the problems in their life, extreme jealousy, possessiveness, criticism of important people in the victim’s life, putting the victim down, and humiliation and blackmail. Verbal abuse – the name-calling, threats, and belittling of one partner to another – is also a form of emotional abuse.

Physical abuse, which may or may not go hand in hand with emotional abuse, follows the same pattern as domestic violence, where the abuser physically forces the victim to comply to their wishes. This almost always includes hitting, slapping, punching, or other forms of physical assault that harms the victim. Sexual abuse is part of physical abuse and domestic violence in that the abuser forces or pressures the victim into sexual acts that they do not wish to participate in. Granted the pressure could also be emotional, but in cases of date rape, assault is almost always part of the equation.

Physical abuse unfortunately leads to domestic violence. Most of them start secretly and the victim will do everything they can to hide the evidence of the abuse. Domestic violence can be broken down into three different phases. The honeymoon phase is where the abuser apologizes to the victim and showers them with affection, making the victim feel overwhelmed with remorse and sadness. Some victims make the break right then and there, some remain. The next phase is the tension building phase. Poor communication, tension, and fear of outbursts colour this time phase and the victim does what he or she can to keep the abuser calm and avoid any outbursts or confrontation. The last phase is the acting-out phase which is full of violent outbursts and abusive confrontations. The abuser tries to dominate the victim by using assault to keep them down. All of these phases are indicative of abuse. Emotional abuse is just as detrimental as physical abuse.

Co-dependency is also a form of abuse due to its controlling behaviour, distrust, avoidance of feelings, intimacy issues, excessive and inappropriate displays of affection, and physical illness that is caused by stress. It can be accompanied by clinical depression since the co-dependent person is sad because they cannot break the cycle to improve their situation. Some of the behaviours indicative of co-dependency were learned while dealing with family members that cause or suffer from emotional pain and stress that was caused by factor’s beyond their control. For example, a family member’s drinking problem or addiction, sexual or physical abuse within the abuse, illness or even poverty can cause co-dependency in people.

Feelings of shame can colour a co-dependent’s thoughts when they conflict with the feelings of others. It may cause them to cover up for the needy person, which is counterproductive in the long run and actually enabling the needy person to continue with their problem. If there are signs of the needy person heading towards a recovery of sorts, the co-dependent may sabotage their partner in order to remain needed and loved. These types of people enter into relationships with people emotionally needy or unavailable. They do not take care of their own needs and are constantly unfulfilled in life. They cannot see that their own behaviour is detrimental to both parties.

Victims need to get out of the relationship as soon as they recognize the signs of abuse. While this is not always easy, gaining control of their lives and sticking up for themselves causes the abuser to lose power over the victim. There are plenty of groups, women’s shelters, and other organizations available to help someone in this situation and they should be utilized as fully as possible. If the abuse should happen to be between younger couples, such as teenagers, it should be reported to the authorities as soon as possible. Counselling should be initiated in order to assure that the young person does not fall into the future role of abuser or victim as they get older. With so many people falling to the pressure of their peers, this is something that must be taken seriously.

If you are unsure whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, stop and answer these questions:

• Are you suffering from any form of physical harm from your partner?
• Is your partner attempting to control aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you are friends with, what you are allowed to say, etc.?
• Does your partner humiliate you?
• Are people close to you being threatened with physical harm by your partner if you don’t do what they want?
• Does your partner demand to know where you are at all times?
• Is there drug or alcohol abuse going on?
• Did you grow up or were you in involved in an abusive relationship as a child?
• Does your partner suffer from rages when they are hurt, shamed, or losing control in the relationship?
• Are you being abused by your partner online by stalking or threats where the technology is being used against you?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, you may want to talk to a professional counsellor and get help as soon as possible. Victims need to get free before they are seriously harmed, or even killed.